Six Simple Tips for Drama-Free Family and Friends Holiday Gatherings

The holiday season is again upon us. After several years of pandemic rules not allowing us to get together with our loved ones, many of us are looking forward to enjoying the holiday gatherings with family and friends.

This year more than ever the holiday reunions might be the scene of emotionally charged discussions based on the past months’ geopolitical environment such as the Russo-Ukrainian war, the skyrocketing inflation, and/or the recent Supreme Court decision regarding abortion among other things.

As these subjects and more are very likely to come up at the holiday table and trigger heated conversations, especially when a few alcoholic drinks are added to the situation, we thought we would share with you 6 simple techniques we use at Mediation Path Silicon Valley to handle difficult verbal communication between parties.

1). Plan ahead

If you are the host, consider making a seating chart that does not put two outspoken and potentially argumentative people sitting together. Or, if you know that some members of the family hold very strong differing opinions on several subjects make a rule of “No quarrelsome discussion during dinner.”

If you are a guest, emotions can take over during a difficult verbal encounter. If you anticipate having a difficult conversation with a family member, have a plan on how you are going to approach the conversation and what you want to say before the gathering.

2). Listen

You don’t need to concur with what is said, you may just listen. Many times, people feel that if they listen to someone, they must agree or disagree with them. But it is okay to just listen. Comments are not always necessary especially if you bear in mind that almost certainly you are not going to change these persons' strongly held beliefs over dinner, and they are not going to change yours, so don’t try. Allow them to have their beliefs and you can have yours.

3). Overcome your differences

If you feel like you need/want to engage in the conversation, then rather than attempting to change someone’s opinion, you might consider apprehending your interlocutor's beliefs at another level: Instead of wondering how a person can think like this, you might want to focus on when this person started to behave this way. The when and the context in which it happened will usually help you understand why a person embraced these ideas. To put it simply, instead of being confrontational you might want to find out first if is there a particular reason in the person's personal or family history that can explain why your interlocutor defends such convictions.

Here is an example to illustrate my point: let’s say it is Christmas Eve and one of the guests says that he/she is happy to be there but that the all-Christmas thing is just a hoax for companies to make more money. This affirmation could be considered as being disrespectful to several persons around the table such as the host, or the persons for whom Christmas has a religious signification (the celebration of Christ's birth).

Now, if you ask this person when she/he started believing that Christmas is nothing more than business and you were to discover that this person has poor Christmas family memories because his/her family was dysfunctional, then would it make sense to you that he/she does not like Christmas?

By doing so, you will be given a unique opportunity to understand someone who holds beliefs opposite to yours and be able to speak about your differences in a constructive way instead of trying to rally the other person to your opinion.

4). Avoid “you” statements

Studies have shown that when “you” statements are made the other person can feel attacked. Rather than saying “It does not make sense that you believe this,” you might want to say “I believe that your opinion is fair on a case-to-case basis but there are exceptions such as (….)”. Then pick an example among the principle you support that is contrary to the other person's ideas. This will allow the other person to know that you do disagree with them, but will it put the focus on your beliefs rather than attacking theirs?

5). Take a break

When you feel, the tension is beginning to elevate in the room, it may be time to suggest a break before things get out of hand. Sometimes a brief interruption in the conversation will allow everyone an opportunity to calm down and return to the conversation with a more refreshed attitude.

6). Celebrate family

When tensions begin to rise, it may be helpful to remind everyone why they have come together. We are family and have come together today to celebrate the holidays and to celebrate that we are family – despite our differences and our opinions, we are still a family and that is what is most important today.

We hope these tips may be of benefit to help you and your family celebrate the holidays peacefully. At MPSV we work hard to help family resolve disputes and retain relationships. Call us if we can be of assistance in resolving a family dispute.